How do I Keep my Relationship with my Partner Strong
There are many things that you can do to keep your relationship strong amidst the added stresses that may come when raising a child with special needs. The relationship between the mother and father usually is the initial bond within the family. One of the best things you can do for your children is to love your spouse/partner and to make that relationship a priority despite the distractions. That relationship is a partnership, one that sets the rules and roles for the family. Still, each parent is an individual who reacts uniquely to the crisis, and, in fact, each may define the loss differently.
If you have been with your significant other for any time at all, you know that the way men and women approach a new situation can be different. When a parent utilizes his or her own coping skills in the crisis, the other parent may misinterpret this behavior. He or she may judge the partner’s response as inappropriate with the situation, because it is different from the way they reacted. At times, mothers may label their partner’s behavior as cold or uncaring, when fathers are perceived to deal with their child’s situation in an objective manner. Fathers may judge their partners as overly-emotional or weak. Fathers may feel that they must take care of their partner in spite of having unmet needs of their own; mothers may feel the same way. Even the way we go about gathering information may be very different. Typically, a woman’s form of networking is very social and men may only want the facts and plan of action. The important thing to realize is that each approach has its advantages and neither is wrong.
It is not unusual for fathers, because of cultural and family beliefs, to cope by trying to be what society expects men to be: strong and silent. Thus, dads are discouraged from confronting and expressing their feelings. Fathers may be expected to assume the role of family leader, the fixer and the person in control. These roles may be difficult to maintain, adding to the stress created by such expectations. Several fathers have commented that the greatest stressor of having a child with special needs is not the child itself, but rather the stress their partner is feeling. Fathers traditionally are the breadwinners; that is, their primary role in the family is making money to provide the family with what it needs. They may feel a tremendous responsibility for the financial burden that may accompany the child’s special needs. More hours working means more hours spent away from the child, less time for receiving information and less opportunity to initiate professional and/or supportive relationships.
Fathers may have to rely on their partners to relay information from professionals, but the information they need may not be forthcoming. Mothers may understand what they heard but may be unable to explain it fully. At times, parents may be reluctant to express their concerns to each other, fearing that such concerns only will add to the worry or depression for their partners. Consequently, each may attempt to protect the other by avoiding such discussions.
Two key strategies often mentioned by parents are maintaining good communication and spending time alone together. Take a few minutes every day to talk with your partner and plan a regular date night. Even if you cannot get away as often as you might like, make an effort to keep the romance alive. Do not let anniversaries or other special occasions go uncelebrated, and do little things to show your partner that you care and appreciate all of his or her hard work. A loving relationship is one of the best sources of strength and support for dealing with any challenges that may come your way.
12 Powerful Ways to Strengthen your Marriage as Special Needs Parents